Year 5 pt. 2.

To be there for the future is to be here. Now.

Hearing my mother give her eulogy for the first time broke me in a new kind of way. I’ve seen her cry many times. And they were silent. But for the first time I heard up on the pedestal a child weeping. A daughter grieving for her mother.

I think sadness is all I’ve ever known.

But now I’ve accepted that sadness is a bigger force than me. A bigger picture I’m in.
It’ll always be here. Even after when I'm gone.

So although I want to stop I mustn’t.
Use it as my source of fuel to take myself out of my aimlessness.

I feel like I’ve been the embodiment of my mother’s sadness and I don't want to be anymore.

I want to reflect back to her, her strength and the dreams and hopes she sees able to be achieved by us.

I want to hear and see my mother’s laughter more.
Prove to her that I’ll be okay.
Show and live the life I want to lead and constantly talk about.

So these are my prayers on paper.

My mother’s words “If you can’t shut up about it. Make something out of it.”
Have swirled about the most this past week so cheers to that.

My soul doesn’t fit me anymore. It’s outgrowing this vessel.
It’s time to pick back up all the things I love to do.

I am ready to listen to the universe again.

Like summer rain I hope the little clouds under my eyes are from laughing too much and not by pain.

Turn this sad life into sunshine and butterflies

Just want to spend lazy afternoons topless with you

Put my head on your lap as you sip on your coffee

And I gaze at the universe in front of me…