Higher Figures
It’s 8am as I’m wiping away my teary eyes trying to focus on the moment my mother had followed me outside to hand me cash when I went to visit.
The road ahead of me blurs as I’m crying remembering just the other week ago, she had given me a wad of cash in an envelope.
Thinking maybe it’s for a rainy day… With recent events in her life.
But she said no. “Put it towards my marriage when the day comes.”
What? (Lol.)
I had asked her why?
She said, “Because I owe you guys.”
????
I cannot fathom, my mother, my life giver feeling still the need to owe me.
Over the phone, I had said to her “I am your son, your child never the image of a man you owe anything to.”
And in trying to prove her wrong my mother in her divineness proved, time and time again, me wrong. (As per usual.)
The saying “Mother’s know best.”
She didn’t give a portion of her life savings to me because she owes me. She did because and I am theorizing, and it probably stands true the fact that she is going to make sure our lives are set even after the end of her time here. She laughs afterwards. Telling me that she’s getting old. “Who’s going to take care of you guys when I’m gone.” :(
I understand now, thinking to love is to owe is the patriarchal idea I am still shackled to. Still ingrained in me.
She’s right. My mother is always right.
In my attempt to replicate her kindness towards others I cared for I blurred the line between her acts of services as servitude and not genuine support. In that I always expected a reward in return. But no one owes me anything ever. From those and I who have parted ways from one another. True love comes with no expectation.
My mother never once asked for anything in return except for her immortal words of “be happy.” And so, to those who have gone and to come I say the same too. Be happy.
The veil is lifting. In the wake of ripping the seams of who I am and putting in the work to become who I long for to be. I pray you believe, know, and see this journey as me becoming a living embodiment of everything that makes me the happiest mom.
I am ashamed to ever have thought that having this much love equated to being poor. Giving so little value, comparing it to household items we didn’t have. Thinking so little when you gave - still give so much.
The higher figures in my life have always been women. With my mother being in the forefront. I suppose in this anecdote I just wanted to endorse, echo, and be an extension of her and I hope you all will too for kind women. Whether they are family, friends, lovers, or even strangers.